Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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