I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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