Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
