Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
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This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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