I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
