whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize