What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
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What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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