hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
