I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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