i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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