I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
