he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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