that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
you never un-have a 4some
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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