I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
