so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
