party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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