Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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