i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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