this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
