A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
