never play flip cup with pint glasses
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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