Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
