i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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