So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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