I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
