So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
