Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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