My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
