I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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