Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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