I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.