i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager