I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.