Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
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he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...