i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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