happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
