Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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