I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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