We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!