God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
