you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.