I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock