Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
