Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
