You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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