I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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