I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
