which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
