Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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