Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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