Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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