im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
