I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
