The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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