so that wasnt chicken after all
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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