we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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