Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
