I can tuck mytits in my pants
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
