Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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