What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
