it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
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